Spoilers abound, obvs.
No time to mince words. I’m diving right in. I’ll try to go in order as they happened in the episode (however random rants and tangents are to be expected).
- Biggest takeaways of the first half hour: 1) Ali is home from the hospital an hallucinating that her dead mother and Det. Wilden are paying friendly visits. 2) The old gang is back together and concoct a plan to capture A-moji (Caleb Rivers ftw for securing Uber A’s new nickname) by telling this creep that Hanna killed Charlotte, which is obvs a bald-faced lie. 3) There was way too much talk about Spencer’s panties in a scene left us all feeling a little uncomfortable, but also a little turned on.
- #EZRIA is back!! Kind of. I mean, they knocked boots so I guess that counts? In all honesty, I was too busy questioning how easy it was for them to publish their book (#unrealistic) that I didn’t even process that they kissed until they were rolling around on the bed. Also, can we address the fact that Aria is hardcore cheating on Liam?
- #HALEB is back!! Kind of. Hanna told Caleb she never stopped loving him and they had a special feelings moment. Then they kissed. AND CAN WE ADDRESS THE FACT THE BOTH HANNA AND CALEB ARE NOW A CHEATERS, TOO?! Maybe not quite as bad as Aria, BUT STILL.
- The entire fandom lost their shit and had to sleep with the lights on when Mrs. D showed up looking like this.
- Ali wants to go somewhere “safe” after hallucinating all these dead people. So she goes to the church where, like 6 people (including her sister) have violently died. Seems legit. Fortunately, Emily finds her and brings her to a psychiatric facility at Ali’s request. Ali voluntarily checks herself in because she fears she’s going crazy. Given that town’s history with mental institutions, I think I’d stay as far away from any such facility in a 20 mile radius if I were her. But whatevs. Do you, girl.
- Caleb Googles how to make an electric fence (because of course you can do that) and tries to fortify the room at the Lost Woods Resort where Hanna is dangling like a worm on a hook into the waters of A-moji. We’ve returned to the scene of the first A lair (kind of), further evidence that the show has come full circle. Or gone off the rails completely, I can’t decide which.
- Meanwhile, Spencer and Toby sneak out of Mrs. Hastings’s election night party (is there a more official name for those things?) to snoop in the bowels of Radley. They bump into Mona and together discover (are you ready for this shizzle?) a former Radley patient named Mary Drake was Charles’s biological mother and the DiLaurentis family adopted him. Charles was nearly the same age as Jason, so Mr. and Mrs. D lied about Charles’s age so no one would question why he and Jason were so close in age.
- Ezra, Caleb, and Aria are lurking in the woods trying to catch this person (who they think will be Bad-Haircut-Harvey) in the act, while Hannah is waiting to
be kidnappedmeet A. Their super sophisticated surveillance (an ipad linked to a security camera) tells them someone’s near. They get blinded by their own booby-trap spotlights and find that Hanna’s disappeared, presumably through a trapdoor they neglected to find while they were trying to make it kidnap-proof (literally every episode of Scooby Doo will tell you to ALWAYS CHECK UNDER THAT THROW RUG FOR A SECRET DOOR).
- Mrs. Hastings? You mean SENATOR HASTINGS, BITCH.
- Then this happened…
- Wilden was there, and then his face came off and it was Doc Elliot Rollins in a mask and he was suddenly British. And then Mrs. D came out, who wasn’t really Mrs. D but Mary Drake. Turns out she and the Doc are trying to avenge Charlotte’s death because he was in love with her. And since Ali committed herself, she gave control of Carissimi to her husband, Elliott, which is also apparently what this new dynamic duo wanted.
- Meanwhile, at Rosewood’s infamous Church of Death, an unconscious Hanna is being drug across the floor by a darkly dressed shadowy person, clutching flowers and blood trickling out of her mouth.
I’m so done.
But I would like to give props to this fan, who clearly has her priorities in order.